


My Resolve - Beta

by AuthorReinvented



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, Death, Depression, Elizabeta - Freeform, Feliciano - Freeform, Gilbert - Freeform, Kiku - Freeform, Lillie - Freeform, My R - Freeform, Roderich - Freeform, Sad, Suicide, Trigger Warnings, Vash - Freeform, and Prussia, does this count as a songfic?, ludwig - Freeform, mentions of Hungary, not really the death of a major character but very important to plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 11:35:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27969929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthorReinvented/pseuds/AuthorReinvented
Summary: Based on the song "My R"(https://youtu.be/tZ4cM0hYofc)There's someone already on the roof when Vash arrives, and he finds himself suddenly facing his friends and family in a way he really doesn't like, and a terrible truth he's trying to ignore can no longer be avoided.*Trigger warning *Beta version, planning to do a rewrite later.
Relationships: Liechtenstein & Switzerland (Hetalia)
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

There were a lot of things Vash found unpleasant, including most people, places and things, and unfortunately, his classmate Roderich was full filling all of those conditions by standing in Vash's place, shoes neatly beside him, on the other side of the railing. His eyes were empty, but the redness underneath them suggested he'd just been crying. His hand was only barely holding onto the railing, like he was moments away from letting go.

This was pissing Vash off. 

He'd had the misfortune of knowing Roderich since he was a kid, and the uptight stuffy Austrian seemed to know all the right things to do to piss him off. Even as kids, the idiot had insisted on standing up to Vash's bullies, even to the point where he got beaten instead, which was just stupid considering how weak he was, then Vash would have to drag his injured ass home and bandage his wounds. Nowadays, Roderich liked to buy fancy foods and eat them in front of Vash to pretend he was somehow richer than Vash, despite the fact both of them knew that they had the same bank account issues, having grown up in the same poor neighbourhood.

Now, Roderich was really taking things to the next level. Ideally, Vash would have preferred to curse him out for standing there at the edge of the roof, like he had more reason to be there than Vash did. Instead, what came out of his mouth was different.

"Don't do it, please."

Please? Why'd he say that? It's not like he cared either way! If anything, he was pissed that he had to waste this opportunity on this idiot! He added another reason to the "list of things Roderich does to piss him off".

Roderich flinched at his words, and halfturned to speak to him, which was a mistake because there was no ground under his foot. Vash lunged forwards grabbed his arm before he had a chance to think about it. It was easy to haul to weak ass Austrian over the fence, and let him fall heavily on the floor. It was harder to deal with the tears that started once he did. It gave Vash a feeling in his chest that he really didn't like and absolutely did not want to identify.

Realizing that it didn't seem like the tears were going to stop soon, and that if he left this moron as is, he'd probably end up here again, which would really piss him off, Vash sighed in irritation and leaned against the rail. 

"What happened?" 

He demanded somewhat harshly, but this time, Roderich didn't snap back. Instead he poured out his heart in a way that Vash found disgusting. He didn't want to hear this! Even so, he ended up hearing about how Roderich's girlfriend Elizabeta, who was pretty much famous for being Roderich's other half, had broken up with him. Apparently she had burst into tears and admitted she'd falled in love with some other idiot, Gilbert, who Vash had made a point not to get to know. 

It really was a terrible story that left a bad taste in his mouth. Maybe if it was someone else, they could have comforted Roderich, but Vash wasn't that person. The feeling in his chest was making him uneasy, and he responded to this feeling in the way he faced anything negative: by getting angry. 

"Mein Gott! Seriously? You've got to be kidding me!" Vash aimed a spiteful kick at the sobbing Austrian, and Roderich made no move to avoid it, taking the light blow with an "oof" sound. 

"I can't believe you got here before me because of something so stupid!" Vash internally seethed. Roderich was staring at his with large eyes from behind his glasses, still red and wet with tears, and Vash clicked his tongue and looked away. Still, as much as he hated to admit it, he understood. He'd felt pretty much the same way when Roderich stopped spending time with him and started spending time with Elizabeta. He'd been the one suddenly left alone. Maybe that's why the harsh words he spat next came out in a gentler tone than he'd intended. 

"So you're sulking cause you couldn't get what you wanted? It's not like you were robbed, you still have plenty. Just look around you, you idiot." 

Roderich flinched, and Vash knew he'd understood. Growing up in the same poor life style, scraping by every day, no money for food or heat or new clothes, having nothing to call your own-in his opinion, this was much worse than a break up. Elizabeta wasn't the only thing Roderich had. He had other friends, he had a warm home, he had books he could bury himself in to forget the world, and though he was still a penny-pincher, the truth was he had a lot more money than he used to and could definitely spare enough to treat himself if he wanted to.

So why on earth would he give everything away for one girl? Vash glared at Roderich, and was surprised to see the usual fierce look returning. Roderich helped himself up, dusting of his clothes in that prissy way that reminded Vash how annoying he was, then reached for his shoes and started slipping them back on. Roderich adjusted his glasses and blew his nose into a handkerchief, and Vash almost relaxed. Then Roderich offered him a tentative smile - the nerve! Like he hadn't just wasted Vash's time- and said meekly. 

"Thanks for listening. I feel a bit better." 

Vash bristled. "Yeah, then get lost!" 

Roderich's lips turned up like he found something funny about Vash's comment, but he obediently made himself scarce. Vash sunk down on his heals after Roderich left, feeling something cold and heavy in his stomach. That bastard! Did he think his only job in life was to get hurt for other people's sakes? If Vash left him alone would he just end up here again tomorrow? He couldn't have that. This was Vash's place. He'd have to make sure that stupid Austrian stayed out of trouble for a while.

Vash sighed as he got to his feet and headed back inside. He could wait another month.


	2. Chapter 2

Vash had a long list of things that pissed him off, and it seemed like the universe was conspiring against him every day to help make it longer. Vash already wasn't having a good day, and was looking forward to the end, which is why he seriously was considering shooting himself when he saw the small Italian boy sitting on the railing, once again in his spot. He didnt like Feliciano on the best of days and was liking him less every second as he watched the tears rolling silently down the boy's face. 

Feliciano lived a few doors down from Vash, and had lot of habits that were practically designed to get on his nerves, from the way he cried at the drop of a pin, to how he was always clinging to somebody, nonstop chattering. The most notable, however, was how the boy seemed to find it too unbearable to wait till he got home to undress, made doubly bad by the fact Feliciano liked to cut accross Vash's lawn on the way home. This meant that Vash was consistently subjected to the sight of a half naked skinny Italian darting across his lawn at weird times, which he usually responded too by shooting a few warning shots from his bb gun near the boy. 

Naturally, this meant that Vash had seen the boy in tears more times than he would like to admit, more often in fear than because he got hit by a plastic bb, but it didn't mean Vash was used to it. If anything he was just really irritated by it. But somehow, he once again found himself about to say the words he didn't really believe he had the right to say. 

"Hey, don't do it." 

This time, he managed to cut off the pitiful please, though he still internally boiled at his own interference. It wasn't like he cared! And besides, this was the second time his opportunity was stolen by him by some pale wimp probably crying about something pointless. Really, Vash could not have been more pissed off, or at least, that was how he choose to identify the hot feeling in his chest. 

Feliciano flinched at the words, falling backwards off the rail and onto the rooftop, where it was safer. Vash didn't let himself breath the sigh of relief that almost escaped. He wasn't relieved. He was annoyed. Feliciano didn't even seemed to care, and unprompted, decided to spill his sob story to Vash, much to his dismay. It was a typical story, one Vash had seen a thousand times before. 

Feliciano was picked on, he didn't feel like he fit in, other kids at school were always taking his stuff. Vash was disgusted. 

"That's it? For Gott's sake, you got here first for that?" 

Feliciano recoiled under Vash's scathing tone, but Vash didn't care. He didn't owe anything to the Italian. Besides, he really found the reasoning disgusting. Feliciano had four brothers at home, two older and two younger, which he'd occasionally caught accompanying Feliciano on his shortcuts through his yard, and those small interactions were enough for him to tell how loved he was. Whether it was the loud chatter of his younger siblings or the way the youngest hid behind Feliciano when Vash got out the bb gun (no matter the age, trespassing was tresspassing) or the older that ran after him demanding among curses that Feliciano put his shirt back on, or the oldest that would sigh heavily and gather the dropped belongings from Feliciano's bags before escaping the oncoming bb hail, it was obvious he was well loved. 

Furthermore, Vash, along with everybody else in the school, knew Feliciano was close with Vash's cousin Ludwig, who was pretty much an unbeatable brick wall, and also usually acted like Feliciano's sheild. Feliciano even managed to befriend the most reserved kid in school, a Japanese exchange student named Kiku, who Vash had never quite been able to work up the courage to say anything other than "Hey." to as he walked by. Basically, the kid was stupidly friendly and surrounded by friends at school and a warm family at home. The kind of person Vash disliked the most. 

That's why Vash didn't hold back with his scathing comment. 

"That's all? I can't believe you! You still have people waiting for you at home don't you? Isn't there a warm meal on the table every night?" 

For Vash, who grew up in an empty house as his mother worked herself to the bone for even the smallest bit of food, who suffered many nights from hunger, even after his mother pushed what little food she managed to get to him, not eating any herself, this was disgusting. Vash really hated people who can't appreciate what they have, who waste money foolishly, or cry that they're alone when they're not. 

That's why he didn't spare even a drop of sympathy towards the tearful Italian. Feliciano didn't seem to notice his cold gaze, and much to Vash's displeasure, launched himself at Vash and caught him in a quick hug before Vash could avoid it. 

"Gracias." Feliciano whispered, then darted away, leaving the words "I'm hungry." hanging behind him on the air, and an unsettling feeling in Vash's chest. Vash responded by picking up the forgotten shoes Feliciano left behind and chucking them off the roof as hard as he could one by one, biting back curses. 

He couldn't help but feel furious. How could an older brother want to abandon his siblings like that? Both Roderich and Feliciano, both were so stupid, pretending they had nothing when they had everything at their fingertips. He bit back a snarl as he turned to stomp back down the stairs. 

Usually, Vash rather admired Ludwig, but today he had difficulty respecting his cousin. He had no choice but to go berate his stupid cousin for not taking better care of his crush.

He'd have to come back another day.


	3. Chapter 3

The third time Vash saw someone at the railing, he remained pissed, but was no longer surprised. By the fourth time, he was expecting it. He couldn't help but think that the universe was playing some cruel joke on him. He wasn't a therapist, and he wasn't their damn friends either! It was frustrating to him to constantly have to face his school mates for petty reasons, and having to talk them down and take care they didn't go back was worse.

The thing that Vash hated the most though, was the growing reluctance to go back up to the roof. He told himself it was because he didn't want to meet them anymore, he didn't want to deal with more tears and stupidity, but the something that clenched in his heart was whispering differently. Vash choose to ignore it, feigning anger instead.

To make it worse, Vash soon found that the people he met seemed to find it their duty to bother him daily, whether it be Feliciano hanging On Ludwig's arm when Ludwig stopped Vash to ask if he was ok, or Roderich deciding to eat lunch with him for absolutely no reason, or even the completely inexplicable happening when the Japanese exchange student Kiku passed Vash a note during class noting to "cheer up". 

Kiku really wasn't the type to pass notes, Vash had thought he was the neutral type like himself, preffering to study rather than bother with friends, and more than that, Vash was certain he hadn't exhibited any signs of being upset, other than his ever increasing irritation. In the end, Vash decided it was Kiku's way of paying him back for that time they met on the roof, when once again Vash has to play therapist as the boy had complained of family problems, and decided to ignore it. 

Why did he have to do this anyway? Who decided that it had to be Vash who had to talk them down? Why- why is there no one for me? Vash shook the thought out of his mind. He didn't need anyone. He was okay on his own. He wasn't like them. Just thinking about it made him angry. 

Vash was beginning to feel that there was something wrong with this school. Was it a gathering place for the emotionally unstable? And why did everyone choose the rooftop? Wasn't there a better place to end it? Still, even though he tried to feel spiteful about it there was a voice whispering to him that he wasn't any different. Vash chose to ignore that voice.

Even so, his feet were heavy as he took the last steps to the rooftop. He wasn't sure who he'd face this time. He wasn't sure he could talk someone down again. He wasn't sure he wanted to. This time, Vash wasn't angry. He was just tired as his eyes fell on the worn but well cleaned black shoes with plastic flowers on the buckles. Then his blood went cold. These shoes, he recognized. 

These were the tired back shoes that sat next to the door every day when he came home, those flowers he had boughten as a gift and helped her glue them on after she came home crying that the other kids teased her for her shoes. These were the shoes Vash has boughten her from the sale store with his first ever paycheck when he brought her home. 

The owner of the shoes, a little girl with hair styled just like his, the ends choppy from a haircut she'd given herself, the only person Vash would let himself care for, and a person that could not be there, at Vash's school, on the roof, on the other side of the railing. The little red bow she wore was fluttering in a barely existant breeze, and the socks she'd learned to patch herself were bare against the concrete on the other side of the railing. Her hair blocked her face, but she did not turn or look when Vash cried out.

"Lillie." 

Vash knew he was pleading but he didn't care, nothing mattered but getting her safely behind the rail, no off the roof top and home too. To get her away from here. Vash slipped off his shoes and climbed over the railing in a moment, reaching one arm to her and pulling her to his chest while gripping the railing tightly with his other hand. His chest was heaving and he was sure his heart was going to give out from pounding so hard, but he didn't let her go. The girl in his arms shuddered with sobs, and He knew his shirt would be wet with tearstains. Vash didn't care. He'd give up everything just to know she was safe. 

"I just don't want to go home anymore."

Her voice made Vash feel like his heart was breaking. She mumbled the next words into Vash's chest, but he still heard them.

"I'm don't want to see anymore scars." 

Vash felt like his internal organs had turned to ice, but he didn't reach for her wrists to look for scars. He didn't have to. He could see the scars she was talking about clearly on the pale skin that was showing where the sleeve had slipped up when he grabbed the railing.

"That's why-" 

She continued in a fragile voice that was breaking, and Vash couldn't let her finish.

"Don't!"

He begged hoarsely. There were tears streaming down his face now, dropping on her golden hair and glittering like jewels. The only person Vash would beg too, the only person he'd give anything to save. The only person he couldn't save. 

"Don't do it, please." 

Even as he said the words, he knew they pointless. He couldn't bring the girl back over the railing. He couldn't keep her alive. He wished that he could tell himself he couldn't care less either way, that he could spit the harsh words at her like he did for the others, but this time, he couldn't.

But, even so,

"Please, just go away." He begged, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn't see the look in her green eyes as he spoke.

"Its too much. I can't see your face today."

When he opened his eyes, she was gone. It was just him, alone, on the other side of the railing. Vash brought his free hand to his eyes and began to sob.


	4. Chapter 4

_“Have you seen Vash-san?"_

There was no one else on the rooftop. Just him. Somehow that pissed Vash off too. It made sense that no one was there. There never had been anyone there. It had always just been him, making excuses to himself, trying to find a reason to stop. 

_“Kiku? What's wrong?“_

Vash slipped off his own worn shoes, kept together more with glue than any fabric or stiches, the scuffed parts coloured in with black markers. He'd promised Lillie that they'd both go shopping for new shoes once he'd gotten enough money. He'd never gotten the chance. 

_"I don't know, Feliciano-San, but I don't think he should be alone right now. Something seemed wrong."_

He reached into his pocket and fingered the worn ribbon he carried everywhere with him. He'd boughten the ribbon for her after sudden decision to cut her own hair so she'd look less like a boy. She said she liked her hair better like this. "I look like you now big brother." But she'd still smiled when he tied the ribbon for her, her face lighting up with joy. Vash would kill to see that smile again. 

_"Wait, isn't today the anniversary of that day?"_

He tried to forget her voice as he climbed over the railing, leaving one hand on the bar. "Big Brother! I'm going to wait for you to come home every day!" She shouldn't have. It hadn't been his fault, he knew that, but it didn't matter who's fault it was. Not the school's, for keeping him in classes until so late, two hours after his sister's school let out. Vash still chose to take his revenge here. 

_“Eh, Ludwig, what's wrong? "_

It wasn't her fault either. It was never her fault. She who had hurried home, to the place they made together, a shabby, but sturdy house, that didn't let in the cold air anymore, not like it used too. Cupboards, that though by no means were full, had food in them, a garden full of vegetables. How could his sweet sister be at fault, when all she'd wanted to do was make sure supper was on the table when he got home. All she wanted to do was say thank you in her own way. 

" _Roderich, have you seen Vash?"_

Vash wondered if he could blame the criminal, a child not much older than Lillie herself was, drawn in by the mouthwatering scent of food, only meaning to fill his stomach. But that child hadn't meant to startle her, hadn't expected her to jump, for the knife to slip and cut her skin instead of the potatoes she was chopping. The child probably had only heard her scream before he ran, and didn't even know the damage he'd caused. 

" _Is he here? Today? But today is-"_

Vash didn't look at the ground below. He closed his eyes and saw a different sight. A girl, too pale, lying too still in a pool of something dark red, a knife by her side, and her arm wrapped with a bloodstained cloth. If only he'd gotten home sooner. If only she had waited for him before trying to cook. If she'd gotten help like he told her too instead of trying to bandage it herself. If only-

“ _I saw him earlier at the stairs to the roof. Vash-san didn't seem himself."_

Vash opened his eyes and looked out at the sky, not really seeing anything. He wondered who he could blame for stealing his sister from him. He wondered if he could somehow find a reason to go back to that empty house, if he could eat another meal all alone. He wondered how many scars it would take before he could see her again. He wondered what she would say if she saw him now. 

" _The roof?"_

He thought about Roderich, dealing with heartbreak. He thought about Feliciano, dealing with bullies and self esteem issues. He thought of Kiku, who he'd once wanted to be friends with, who he'd seen crying after arguing with his overbearing brother, and all he'd been able to do was to pass him a note.

"Cheer up."

He thought about his cousin, Ludwig, and his girlfriend-stealing older brother, Gilbert. He wondered if Ludwig really worried about building relationships, if Gilbert really was scared that he would disappear and leave his loved ones alone one day. Or was that just his own imagination as well?

" _Vash_!" 

It wasn't any of his business. He didn't need to take care of any of them. The one he was supposed to care for was already gone. He let go of the railing.

"You Dummkopf!"

A hand grabbed his arm.


End file.
